Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.