Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
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My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Doggies just call it style.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
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[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds