It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
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[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing