My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
How to properly lift a body
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?