12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.