My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
You Might Also Like
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.