Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
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*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
That earthquake could have been an email.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.