Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
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Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.