*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!