[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War