Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
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Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.