Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
You Might Also Like
Match dot com, but for socks.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories