Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
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friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
The news
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.