I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
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in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows