Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit