me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
❤️🦆
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.