May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes