Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Never forget.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.