The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
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Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
pls suprot
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,