priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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Noah
just gave your address to some spiders
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Just got to our Airbnb!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
🤣🤣
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.