Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
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BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
me hooking up with my ex
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.