Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her