nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
You Might Also Like
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Trains are just sideway elevators.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable