those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Every time my phone rings
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try