I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
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*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
🤭😂
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV