I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
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[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.