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Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.