Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. đ
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
So I said, âWhy donât you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,â and he said âhush puppie,â so I said, âYou hush, you piece of shit,â and one thing led to another court date.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is âNO U.â Donât reply with âthanksâ who do you think you are
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words âWell, lookâ and then answer a completely different question.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her sheâs going to get a reputation.
âSo sorryâ – Actually sorry
âSorry about thatâ – Not really sorry
âSorry you feel that wayâ – Not sorry at all
âSorry, but…â – Apologise to me
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
saying âjames?â to my mom when i open her car door so people think itâs an uber
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Denise please return my vape pen
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldnât be allowed to have grownup money