First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
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[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Sticker placement is key.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
January has been Januweary
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]