My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
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Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
excuse me
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
what are they serving at kfc then???
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
How your email finds me
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal