The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
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If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.