ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
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an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I hate my earbuds.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently