Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
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[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”