the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Lmaoo 😂
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*