The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
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if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.