Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
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Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
no
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.