A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
You Might Also Like
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
is this a threat
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.