Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
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Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.