[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week