‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
sin harder.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”