Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
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in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I can also cook 😂
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.