*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK