Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
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[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.