You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
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Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
best review i’ve ever seen
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
If only
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Ah..makes sense now