me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
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when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.