If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
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My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”