Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
my astrological sign is a french fry
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.