My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin