WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.