Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
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i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same