Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
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Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic